Dear Christine, AFTER MANY YEARS together, my partner, “Carl,” has decided he is leaving the country where we live, to move closer to his family overseas. They have been living abroad for six years.
He has only lived separate from them for five years of his life. And is extremely close to his family, in a way that makes me uncomfortable. He has both his parents and two older sisters, 42 and 47.
Neither of his siblings has ever had a serious relationship nor moved out on their own.
They have been trying to convince Carl to move to be with them. He Skypes with them daily, has several group text chats with them, and then there are daily phone calls from each of them. He also goes to visit them for at least three weeks twice a year and they visit him for at least two weeks three times a year. When they come to visit him, I basically never see him.
Jealous
I am very much in love with Carl, but I do not know if I will ever be as important to him as they are. I have tried to speak to him about this, and he has dismissed me and accused me of being jealous. For the record, I have a good relationship with my family, and I still manage to be an independent and selfsufficient individual and have been living on my own since I was 23 years old.
Carl has decided to move to be with his family and has asked me to leave everything behind and accompany him, which I have no desire to do. His family is now living in a rural district. They hardly know anyone there because they have not made many friendships.
If Carl goes, he is not merely abandoning me but is also leaving behind a 17-year-old career, his several friends, and the place where he was born and raised. I am really trying to wrap my mind around someone wanting to move where the only thing he has are four family members.
I am absolutely devastated. At this point, I do not know if I should make a huge sacrifice and consider moving, attempt having a longdistance relationship, or just walk away. I am concerned nothing will change unless his family is non-existent.
The hold they have over him has grown over time. I have known Carl for more than half my life – first as friends, then as casual dating partners, and now as my partner in a serious relationship. Any advice would be much appreciated.
– C.M. Dear C.M., I honestly believe that you need to move on – from Carl and not move away together with him. It already seems that you have invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship with him, and you are no better off than when you were casually dating.
If the relationship is so serious and you have known him half your life, why does he still you have you stringing along? Has he ever discussed marriage, for example? Perhaps not, because he is so tied to his parents and siblings. It is clear that the grip they have on him won’t be released any time soon. If being away from them for six years did nothing to foster his independence from them, you can be sure that moving to be with them, where he has literally no other distraction, is not going to do it.
The truth is, with the amount of space his family takes in his life and his psyche, there is not enough room for you. That’s true already, and it will certainly be true as he reestablishes his place in their day-to-day lives. He has no intention of building a future with you that is not as enmeshed with his family as it has always been.
That’s clearly not something that appeals to you – nor should it. You should save yourself further agony and bow out now. Maybe doing so will allow you to stay on friendly terms with Carl and, if you have it in your heart and still have love and care for him, you can be something of a lifeline for him to his old life should he come to his senses and consider disengaging from his family.
Regardless of what happens to Carl, you need to think about yourself.
Maintaining a relationship with him at this point will only cause you pain, frustration, and despair. It’s time to release Carl, and for you to move on.
– CHRISTINE
